This new psychiatrist was so… flippant. I couldn’t keep up with how quickly she asked me questions, and she didn’t seem to really care how nervous I was. I guess someone who sees psychiatrists and psychologists as much as I do shouldn’t still get nervous about it, but I always feel so anxious when I see someone new. I think psychiatrists in particular put me on edge because they charge so much, and they diagnose disease, so it all seems gravely serious. I probably also need to work on some of my more close-minded views about what seeing a psychiatrist means.
No request, but a comment to you mentioning getting over the guilt of what you put your girlfriend through. I know guilt very well. Guilt & a bad conscience have been my lifelong companions & what I learned is: I am not responsible for the rest of the world. Even if this "world" is someone I love. As long as I do everything I can & try to be as honest as I can, I am not guilty of having caused pain maliciously. Hence no guilt. I still feel it. But I know better & that helps. Hope it helps u2. xx
Thank you for your insights. I know I never meant to hurt my ex-girlfriend. It was like being in a relationship with three parties: the two of us, and my depression, which sat awkwardly on every couch, in the back seat of every car, lay in bed with us every night. How often I’d wish for just one day where we could just be us, and not have to talk about my depression, but it followed me everywhere. I loved her so much, but all the love in the world is not enough to make mental illness go away. In the end I am grateful that I was able to feel her love for as long as I did, and for the amazing support she gave me. I don’t think that guilt will ever go away, but I know I did the best I could at the time. We all do.
Ugh, this is still hard to write about. I wanted so much to just be able to ‘snap out of it’, but I couldn’t get myself out of my depression. My girlfriend was doing her best to be supportive and meet me where I was, but it was so hard for her to know what to do. I felt so guilty for putting her through that, but guilt on top of depression is even worse. She really did love me. I don’t know how long it will take me to get over the guilt of what I put her through. I was ill. I honestly did the best I could.