I know what you mean. It’s such a confusing thing to feel, because we think we want to be happy and well, we want to get better, yet those feelings of sadness and misery are all we’ve known for so long that it feels lonely without them. Like losing a friend who’s always been with us. I know there have been times for me in the past where I’ve felt myself slipping back into depression simply because I missed the familiarity it offered.
What we have to work on is replacing those comfortable old feelings of sadness with new emotions that are healthier for us. This is best done with the help of a counsellor. We slowly learn how to feel joy again, how to embrace positivity and find comfort in feeling loved and well, and with each new experience of happiness, we feel less and less like we need to crawl back into our negativity. That doesn’t mean it won’t still happen from time to time - that’s all part of the journey - but it will become less frequent.
What you’re feeling is normal. It’s OK to have a hard time letting go. Your depression has been a part of your life for over a decade. It’s important. But you are ready now to grow past it and find new strategies for looking after yourself. You will get there, but it takes time. Be patient with yourself.
All my love,