I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 48
I do not feel like a fun person to be around when something as insignificant as whether or not a particular pair of jeans fit seems like the end of the world. It makes me feel vain and childish and not at all like myself. Unfortunately my moods were just sometimes unstable enough that that’s all it took. Not so bad when it happens in my own house and I can take the space to just go through the motions, but at one point I was staying with my mum for a few months and lost a work skirt. I turned the house upside down looking for that skirt, and ended up in hysterical tears that I couldn’t find it. In my mind, it felt like the end of the world because of this particular thought circle:
I have to go to a work conference next week -> all my peers will judge me on my clothes -> I’ve thrown out so many work clothes lately because none of them fit anymore -> that skirt was the ONLY work skirt that still fit me -> if I wear only pants the entire conference everyone will think I’m anti-feminine -> my perceived masculinity will make me a walking stereotype of the ‘career lesbian’ -> my colleagues will be secretly making snide comments about me because I’m gay -> my workplace will no longer feel safe -> I will have to quit my job
I think a lot of people experience these downward spirals of automatic thoughts. Imagine my poor mum trying to figure it out though. ‘She has lost a skirt, and therefore it is apparently the end of the world’. It all just felt too big and important and ridiculous to explain.
The thing about the sizes on my pants… that I just can’t explain. I’ve always ‘known’ the size I think I am, so after I buy the pants I don’t look at the tags anymore. I was genuinely surprised to see so many of them in small sizes, sizes I probably shouldn’t be wearing. I don’t know how I was so oblivious to that.