I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 013
I cannot tell you how much I still struggle with this. I still find myself thinking along the lines ‘I can’t possible be anorexic, because they can’t see themselves for what they truly are. When I look in the mirror I see the brutal truth’. I can’t imagine myself being someone whose eyes don’t see properly. If everyone told you the sky was green, would you honestly be able to believe them, when you can see quite obviously that it’s blue? A few days ago in a meeting with a recovery officer, she referred to my ‘obvious body dysmorphia’ and rather than listening to the words that followed, I found myself on a long-winding mental excursion on why on earth she would label me like that when I am so level-headed and logic-driven.
My dietitian is a sweetheart in that she attempts to give me information as scientifically as possible (upon my request), so that I can trust it. She pointed me towards clinical studies showing the vast differences in brain functioning in subjects with body dysmorphia disorder. One study showed a neural pathway that suggested that when subjects with BDD looked in the mirror, parts of the brain associated with anxiety and emotional response became overactive, essentially hijacking the visual stimuli before it could be properly processed. They literally were seeing something different due to the way their brain was attempting to interpret the visual cues.
Even after going over this information and accepting that it makes sense, I still struggle to understand how it could possibly apply to me. Why should my brain function any differently?