This new psychiatrist was so… flippant. I couldn’t keep up with how quickly she asked me questions, and she didn’t seem to really care how nervous I was. I guess someone who sees psychiatrists and psychologists as much as I do shouldn’t still get nervous about it, but I always feel so anxious when I see someone new. I think psychiatrists in particular put me on edge because they charge so much, and they diagnose disease, so it all seems gravely serious. I probably also need to work on some of my more close-minded views about what seeing a psychiatrist means.
Ugh, this is still hard to write about. I wanted so much to just be able to ‘snap out of it’, but I couldn’t get myself out of my depression. My girlfriend was doing her best to be supportive and meet me where I was, but it was so hard for her to know what to do. I felt so guilty for putting her through that, but guilt on top of depression is even worse. She really did love me. I don’t know how long it will take me to get over the guilt of what I put her through. I was ill. I honestly did the best I could.
I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 173 TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM
Self harm really is like an addiction. I think about it a lot, and sometimes the urges just feel too hard to resist. When I’m in the middle of a low, the urges are that much stronger. The more I do it, the worse it gets. It doesn’t feel good, not in a big-picture way anyway, but in the moment it offers such relief. It’s hard to describe to someone who’s never felt it before, but I know a lot of people understand what I’m talking about.
I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 172 TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM
Ugh, even now this feels hard to deal with. I had so much guilt about my depression. When I knew I was on the way down, I would have done anything to dig myself back out. My poor girlfriend had been through so much, and I was causing her anguish. She had been so supportive and loving for so long, but eventually she started to feel burned out by me and my sadness. I wished every day that I could pull myself back out of this slump and stop her from being disappointed in me, but I was too far gone. The guilt built on top of the depression and just made everything that much worse.
I knew exercise would be good for my mood. Exercise is good for you! But we couldn’t trust me to set the pace for our jogging, because when I start running, I just want to go hard and fast until I’m ready to pass out. My girlfriend is much better adjusted, so we let her set our pace. She saw this as something fun and social we could do together, but as she chatted to me during our jog, I wasn’t even listening. All I could hear was my brain telling me to run.
This was honestly so confusing for me. I was standing there next to my girlfriend, looking at her and seeing how much thinner than me she was - then trying on the exact same shirt that was tight on her, and having it baggy on me. My eyes just didn’t work properly. What do you do when you can’t believe what your eyes are telling you?
One of the downsides to being in a relationship was that I constantly had a gorgeous woman around to compare myself to. I saw her naked every day, yet couldn’t bare the thought of her seeing my disgusting naked body. I felt so incredibly fat. I harboured this insecurity that she’d wake up one day and realise how unattractive I was, how awful I was, and that she’d leave me. There was a lot of other stuff going on that added to those insecurities, but it didn’t help that I was such an anxious person. It wasn’t a great way to live.
It was a real sign of how far I’d come that my attitude was so different this time around. I knew I must have been underweight, and so gaining some weight would probably be OK. I also knew that eating more regularly would boost my mood, and I was looking forward to feeling better.