I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 172 TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM
Ugh, even now this feels hard to deal with. I had so much guilt about my depression. When I knew I was on the way down, I would have done anything to dig myself back out. My poor girlfriend had been through so much, and I was causing her anguish. She had been so supportive and loving for so long, but eventually she started to feel burned out by me and my sadness. I wished every day that I could pull myself back out of this slump and stop her from being disappointed in me, but I was too far gone. The guilt built on top of the depression and just made everything that much worse.
I knew exercise would be good for my mood. Exercise is good for you! But we couldn’t trust me to set the pace for our jogging, because when I start running, I just want to go hard and fast until I’m ready to pass out. My girlfriend is much better adjusted, so we let her set our pace. She saw this as something fun and social we could do together, but as she chatted to me during our jog, I wasn’t even listening. All I could hear was my brain telling me to run.
This was honestly so confusing for me. I was standing there next to my girlfriend, looking at her and seeing how much thinner than me she was - then trying on the exact same shirt that was tight on her, and having it baggy on me. My eyes just didn’t work properly. What do you do when you can’t believe what your eyes are telling you?
One of the downsides to being in a relationship was that I constantly had a gorgeous woman around to compare myself to. I saw her naked every day, yet couldn’t bare the thought of her seeing my disgusting naked body. I felt so incredibly fat. I harboured this insecurity that she’d wake up one day and realise how unattractive I was, how awful I was, and that she’d leave me. There was a lot of other stuff going on that added to those insecurities, but it didn’t help that I was such an anxious person. It wasn’t a great way to live.
It was a real sign of how far I’d come that my attitude was so different this time around. I knew I must have been underweight, and so gaining some weight would probably be OK. I also knew that eating more regularly would boost my mood, and I was looking forward to feeling better.
Thank you to everyone who provided their feedback and suggestions recently. Tonight I sat down and drew storyboards for about 6 months of comics about my relationship. I feel emotionally exhausted already, but I think that’s a good sign that I’ll be working through some feelings with this.
I Do Not Have An Eating Disorder will continue to run until I run out of pages (about 15 weeks’ time), after which time I’ll take a break from IDNHAED to start telling this side story. I think telling this story will help me to get past a block I’m feeling with IDNHAED, and give things much more context. I hope you’ll all find some value in this new story - even though it won’t specifically be about my eating disorder or depression, it will still deal with issues of mental health.
Thank you in advance for your understanding and support. I’m sorry for this disruption to my storytelling, but I hope you’ll appreciate that this is still part of my larger goal of art therapy through comics.
All my love,
I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 165
Having my mum take time off work to look after me made me feel like such a child. I was a grown woman and yet I needed such care at that time in my life. It’s hard to admit, but I really wasn’t well, and that support was so important. I am so incredibly blessed to have a mum who loved me enough to be there for me at that time. Sometimes I wish I could share my mum with all the people who really need one.