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I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 177

I was so thankful to my girlfriend for her support. I told her everything in those days, and she always had kind words for me. She was very patient with my crying for the most part. She came with me to a lot of appointments because she knew how stressful they could be. I was very lucky. 

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I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 176

This shouldn’t really have come as a shock to me, but it did. My current counsellor at the time was helping me, but I needed someone I could call when I was in trouble, other than just the suicide helpline. This psychiatrist seemed to come up with a lot of insights in just one hour, and I was doubtful, but what could I do but listen? I was at the mercy of professionals. 

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I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 175

This new psychiatrist was so… flippant. I couldn’t keep up with how quickly she asked me questions, and she didn’t seem to really care how nervous I was. I guess someone who sees psychiatrists and psychologists as much as I do shouldn’t still get nervous about it, but I always feel so anxious when I see someone new. I think psychiatrists in particular put me on edge because they charge so much, and they diagnose disease, so it all seems gravely serious. I probably also need to work on some of my more close-minded views about what seeing a psychiatrist means. 

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I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 174

Ugh, this is still hard to write about. I wanted so much to just be able to ‘snap out of it’, but I couldn’t get myself out of my depression. My girlfriend was doing her best to be supportive and meet me where I was, but it was so hard for her to know what to do. I felt so guilty for putting her through that, but guilt on top of depression is even worse. She really did love me. I don’t know how long it will take me to get over the guilt of what I put her through. I was ill. I honestly did the best I could. 

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I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 173 TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM

Self harm really is like an addiction. I think about it a lot, and sometimes the urges just feel too hard to resist. When I’m in the middle of a low, the urges are that much stronger. The more I do it, the worse it gets. It doesn’t feel good, not in a big-picture way anyway, but in the moment it offers such relief. It’s hard to describe to someone who’s never felt it before, but I know a lot of people understand what I’m talking about. 

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I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 172 TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM

Ugh, even now this feels hard to deal with. I had so much guilt about my depression. When I knew I was on the way down, I would have done anything to dig myself back out. My poor girlfriend had been through so much, and I was causing her anguish. She had been so supportive and loving for so long, but eventually she started to feel burned out by me and my sadness. I wished every day that I could pull myself back out of this slump and stop her from being disappointed in me, but I was too far gone. The guilt built on top of the depression and just made everything that much worse. 

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I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 171

Days like these were few and far between. They gave me a tiny ray of hope that things could be better, if I just stayed healthy and treated my body right. 

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I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 170

I knew exercise would be good for my mood. Exercise is good for you! But we couldn’t trust me to set the pace for our jogging, because when I start running, I just want to go hard and fast until I’m ready to pass out. My girlfriend is much better adjusted, so we let her set our pace. She saw this as something fun and social we could do together, but as she chatted to me during our jog, I wasn’t even listening. All I could hear was my brain telling me to run. 

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I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 169

This was honestly so confusing for me. I was standing there next to my girlfriend, looking at her and seeing how much thinner than me she was - then trying on the exact same shirt that was tight on her, and having it baggy on me. My eyes just didn’t work properly. What do you do when you can’t believe what your eyes are telling you?

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I DO NOT HAVE AN EATING DISORDER - Page 168

One of the downsides to being in a relationship was that I constantly had a gorgeous woman around to compare myself to. I saw her naked every day, yet couldn’t bare the thought of her seeing my disgusting naked body. I felt so incredibly fat. I harboured this insecurity that she’d wake up one day and realise how unattractive I was, how awful I was, and that she’d leave me. There was a lot of other stuff going on that added to those insecurities, but it didn’t help that I was such an anxious person. It wasn’t a great way to live. 

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